First thing is i done my dissertation report. But it's not approved yet. But anyway i did it. After a while i was falling in some desperation. I always think that my campus is a joke. No one do what a college should do properly. みな、だらだらしたばっかり。笑いたいけど笑えない。
I once have a dream that my college life would fills with grow up stuffs. Meet a new rival, a new challenge, a new chance, maybe a new boyfriend... but in reality i don't even have a friend. don't even have a single rival, nothing really a challenge worth it. No chance to have some great times. I have no college life. さいやくだよね。
I can't blame the others. I do have some difficult personality. I have some problem expressing my thoughts. I have no courage to start. I have no interest in people's business. I can't even give my self a chance to make friends. In my imagination i'll meet many kinds of people, like in the books i have once read. Strange personality, elegant, popular, mysterious, even dangerous. Begin a new story. There are many kinds of personal character but no one even close. They almost the same. In my view there're just 2 kinds of people. Lazy ones and super lazy ones.
In the first year i even let them cheated on every exams. Chemistry, math... i did the group project alone. not only mine but another group. they would not realize it probably but i sacrifice my mind for them. In the beginning i feel okay because i feel needed but they didn't even give me a thank. I feel like "aah, so this is the feeling of a left one". They will beside me when they need me then they'll disappear when they don't. They played nice with words. Try to prove who is right. But they not even try to find me when i'm gone. So this is friendship i had the whole time. How nice.
And the teachers... ha. they make me want to laugh, ironically. Do they know how they teach? some un-passionate, some need to sleep, some careless, some don't even want to have a class.
But i do appreciate some of them because they still want to have a class even in a hard situation. but i still think that all the classes was useless. I was good in some classes, i was taught with some good teachers but i still can't find how they classes help me in life.
I keep saying to my self that it's not that wasting of time. there're good times indeed. but after all, when i think about it thoroughly... i couldn't fit with the classes, not with the classmates, not even the teachers. I was living in a joke for 4 years.
My whole college life is nothing but a joke.
Is it their fault? No, of course not. It's all mine.
Second thing is my mom. She always says do this, do that, people can do that, people can success, and she always judge me like i can do nothing but doing useless things. She judge me like i never help her. Like i never do a good thing. Like i'm some useless daughter.
Maybe i was too sensitive but i can catch her true intent behind those words. I know she upset with me because the way i live. But she doesn't even know, i do hate my self because the way i am. I don't want to live this way. I know i'm useless because i don't even have a dream. My life have been over. I'm screwed. I once had a dream. I want to be a great man. Then i was in that campus. My dream dump me. i'm screwed. Sounds like i was reasoning right? How can i blame my campus since all of bad things comes to me is my own fault. Yeah. my mom was once said that. So, what should i do?! How should i live my self when i don't even a motivation to live?
I was so depressed so i didn't even want to step my feet on my college's yard for couple of months. I didn't want to graduated. I just didn't want to come back there. I wanna get lost in some far far away out of space with martians maybe.
So, i was wandering to find my place. I found a group. I made friends with them. I made an excuse to learn Japanese so that i can continue living. I do have a nice time with them. They gave me courage to move on. Finishing my paper. I even made a promise with Ryoji that i will visit him. I said to him that i already made a plan. But it's all just an excuse so that i can dream again. So i can have a goal. So i won't live as a dead zombie.
I see people change. i wanna change too. but i can never do. Not until now. i'm still lying around, watching drama, hope that my life would change.
But, even though, i've tried. I've tried to dream, i've tried to graduate, i've tried to do my japanese test. i've tried to live.
But she can't even see that. I just want her to compliment me that i've done good. that it's ok if i can't make it now because i can make it next time. But she didn't. She didn't even listen to my college's life. She didn't really support me when i wanted to have a part time. She even blamed me because of me she lost a lot of money, because i wanted to work part time.
I gave her a mother's day present... but until now i never see her wearing it.
She always asks me to understand her, but i want her to understand me too. I love her but some time i hate to think that maybe i hate her a bit.
She knows nothing about me so why she always judge me. Indeed she gives me money, she gives me stuffs, she try to give me all i want, she works hard until now for me, but i never feel that she give her heart to me. no one give me a heart. i can't feel love. i think my love cell have died.
I'm totally screwed
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