Happy Birthday...

For you who have been my close friend... i really want to say happy birthday because it's your birthday today... somehow i just can't forget and always hope that you'll be okay. Even if i hurt you, even if you don't offer forgiveness. I hope you'll find what you're looking for... I hope that every goodness will come to you. And i hope you can be with someone who love you completely...

Anyway, Happy Birthday. Wish you all the best and may God always bless you, even if you don't believe.

Ujian Puasa

Dua hari yang lalu, tepatnya hari sabtu akhirnya aku alami juga rasanya ngejar dosen cuma buat dapet tanda tangan. Berbagai ujian datang silih berganti. Kalo temenku bilang ma "super apes lah".

Petama dikasih tau sore hari sebelumnya... awalnya aku pikir dia (orang yang boncengin) dateng buat beli makanan buka puasa. Secara di rumah banyak banget yang jualan. Rumah emang kebanyakan penghuni sih. dan tiap penghuni punya produknya masing2. Bayangkan betapa "market-like"-nya rumahku. Orang itu baru aku kenal di hari sidang. Well, dia orangnya sopan dan ga susah diajak ngobrol jadi sambil nunggu giliran masing2 kita ngobrol aja. Menjauhi ketegangan. Mendekati ketenangan.

お願い

私って寂しいな人かな。たまには自分が空っぽと思ってたけどたぶん本当なのかな。いつでも伝えたいことがたくさんあるのに何で伝えられなかったんだろうね。自分がそんなにわがままだろうかな。。みな、私と一緒にいられないかな。今の私は、とても嫌いなのに　私変えてできるでしょうか。「自分が変えたから」と思ってたのに本当は何も変わらないかな。なんか、今とてもとても辛いです。泣いたのに誰も気づけません。いや、気づけるのに誰も来ないの。これって私のせいかな。あっ、私のせいかもしれない。「自分が自分の人生をつくります。いいことあっても、いやなことあっても　自分から来た。」といわれたけどさ。あれは本当かもしれない。私が頑張ってたと思うのに。私が失敗しないようにと思うのに。結果は。。なんだか、決めているような。私は私の涙に繰り返した見たい。。。ずっと　昔から今までも。どうしてかな、ぜんぜん分かってない。我慢して我慢してのに。伝えたこと時はみんなどこかに行っちゃうから　もう何もいわないよ。もう一人にいやだから。でも、何でかな、この心を届かないの。私の心は「助けて」といつも叫びたい。いつかね、いつかどうか誰かを私のこと離さないって神様に祈ってた。どうか聞いてください。これは私のひとつのお願いだから。

Another Dream

Last night i had a dream...

At first it was a nice dream... but then turn to a horror dream...

This is what i remember about my dream...

...

This is so gloomy i don't suggest anyone to read this post.

ahh~ it's been a while since the last time i posted. 色んなことがあったけど。A lot of things have been happening. I want to tell about it. Well, yeah... i'll try.

First thing is i done my dissertation report. But it's not approved yet. But anyway i did it. After a while i was falling in some desperation. I always think that my campus is a joke. No one do what a college should do properly. みな、だらだらしたばっかり。笑いたいけど笑えない。

２０１５年 １０月 ２６日

漸く昨夜は眠らなかった。もう考えるのは疲れた。

だから決めたんだ　今はできることだけする　明日夢叶えるかも。

だから今は姉ちゃんのところへ行くの。明日恋愛見つけてかもしれない。

うん。そうだね。そうするよ。

私の涙

今夜も一人で泣いてた。これなんかいめかな　もう分からないよ。ただ、友達ってうその言葉また気づいてた時　やっぱりつらいよね。私は「大丈夫？」って「なにがあって？」って「どうして？」って　聞きたいだけ。やっぱりそれ難しいの言葉だった？

なんで、友達なのに　私のことわからないんだ？

なんで、友達なのに　私のそばにいれなくて？

友達なのに　なんで　なにもきいてないの？

もし私がいなくなっても、もうへきですね？

泣いたりしないよね？

やっぱり友達って　うその言葉だった。

私もう知ってるよ。

どれだけ自分がわがままって。

どれだけ自分ばっかり考えて。

どれだけ自分がなさけないだって。

かっこよくないでしょう？

気持ちわるいでしょう？

もう聞いたから。

ちっくそ。

お前ってさ、自分がどれだけ頑張ったこと知らないんでしょう？

どれだけ辛い事戦った。

今はちょっと疲れただけ。死ぬほどね。

Dream

When i see the sky above me... When i see those star shining shimmering and mesmerizing me.

I know i have a dream...

仲間

仲間って何だろうね。映画とかドラマとかアニメではたくさん見たけど本当そういうなのかね？

誰かをずっとそばにいってくれる人間。それは仲間でしょうか？

誰かをおうえんしてくれる人？

会いたいな、仲間。欲しいな仲間。なんかそのフィルム見るときはずっとうらやましな感じで見てたながら。

Tidung Island Part 1 : Journey to Tidung

Waah... kali ini penulis berkesempatan berlibur ke Pulau Tidung yang berada di kepulauan seribu.

Penulis memulai keberangkatan sejak pukul 11 malam. Tadinya sih jam 10 tapi biaya waktu ngaret 1 jam. hehe. kalo ga ngaret bukan orang sunda kayanya. hadeuh.

Penulis sempat terjebak macet di puncak karena jalan masih belum di buka (mungkin). Oh... dan keadaan di dalam mobil tidaklah senyaman itu. banyak barang dan bahkan manusia yang di "dedet"... #apalahitu haha.

Meskipun penulis berangkat 1 jam sebelum tengah malam tapi penulis sampai di pelabuhan tepat saat matahari mulai terbit.

Happy Lebaran Day!!

Well, it's been a really long time for me to not posting here... though i'm not sure anybody really read my blog but "i really don't care as long as i can post"... i know, what a sick of me.

I have a lot of story to tell, there're so many things have happened around me. You know, life.

After a month of pasting finally come the Day called Lebaran Day in my language,

You know, i truly have some stressed conditions  this month. Start with my college's slimy tactics of ruining my time and my parents' pocket. Second, my auntie didn't really care about that.Third, my parents forgot about my birthday (even until now). Fourth, i am still single.What A Mess!

I did much complaining everyday until this second... (just see what i write above)

Finally, finally, the day of forgiveness for everybody has come...

The question is...

"Does every single person forgive me ?"

Actually I'm not really sure if i have already forgive "everyone" also...

Like the one who broke my heart, or the one who turned me into "a-single-life-everyday", or the swindler who ruined my life and i've been cursing. Especially, have i really forgive my self who could fallen for those misfortunes and still trap on its. Oh man, am really some genius stupid?

How about you, guys and girls, have you really forgive anyone including yourself?

Is Normal Life really exist?

Sometimes we live in sorrow, unpleasant matters called misfortune. But actually when i think more about it i never lack of fortunes knowing that there're more people poorer than me, more selfish and angry.

I sometimes wish that i can live like normal people while i don't even sure what normal is. I guess no one is normal because no one exactly the same. So when i want to be normal maybe it's inverse of normal. Normal is just flowing with the river named destiny.

Often i maybe we feel uneasy living, scared, angry, hatred, sorrow, but the more we got difficulties the more a small happiness make us feel wonderful. A small touch, a small hug, a small kiss. A little careness. I mostly ignore those things but i really grateful that i can still have them. Have a little family, Have a friend. Have my heart away from hartred. Although there's selfishness stand till. I really feel grateful i have my life no matter what people judge. I want to grateful my life with a little complaining to cacth more careness from people close to me. A little pampered while hiding tears.

I have one desire... I want to hold you very tight and be by your side forever.

I want to make some love blossom in my heart. Yet i'm not ready giving my all to that wish. I'm not really ready to rely on anyone. I can trust no one. Should i pitty my self? Mmm... i don't suppose to do that though. Yet i'm very grateful with my life, ain't i?

Just life with people who care about me makes me feel safe.

Just stay the way it is though i have a hundred tons of complainings. I just wish i could live in people careness. Giving and taking love. I want to learn that too.

In my normal life.

Hello My Prince

I think i have found my destiny...

This guy was so warm yet so mysterious. When i talk with him i feel like every problem was gone away. I love listening his singing. I love seeing his smile. I love imaging his gaze.

When he says he's in a blue i feel like a falling leave. I'm worry yet i can do nothing. So, i gave him a song though i know i have not well voice. I want him to keep shining. Just keep shining.

I was lost for a thousand years, i never knew i could feel this warmth again. My hope was high. I wanna feel love again.

I don't wanna be so selfish, i don't wanna be so greed, not anymore.

Even it's just a summer dream just stay the way you are. Just stay for a little longer.

For the first time after years i don't feel lost anymore

.

Even if it's my illusions just stay close. Just stay a little closer.

I wanna yell it out more but i don't want to break this moment.

The moment i have yearn for. The moment i thought will never come.

Just stay there so i can look at you.

Now you are my prince. I'll let you have my heart, till you're sure i can be the one.

And finally i can say "Welcome home my prince."

Tonight's Quote - 小さな希望が 悲しい笑顔にある

Everything is going to end sooner or later... When the time has come... What will you do?

すべての終わりがきっと来る、そのときが来たなら　みんなはどうするの？

Family, friends, partner ... somehow someday everyone will be gone

家族とか友達とか仲間とか　すべていつまにか　消えちゃう

somehow someday you'll be all alone, when the time has come, what will you do?

いつまにかみんな一人一人でになる、そのときが来たなら　みんなはどうする？

"I don't wanna be alone",  people said

一人でいやと　人間が行った

People are weak so they can't live all alone, people want to be love, want to protect... don't they?

弱いから一人で生きてるの出来なくて、誰かに愛されたくて、誰かを守りたくて。。。そうでしょう？

That's why people were born, people want to know that reason even when they are scared they still try.

それは　だから人間が生まれて、その意味が知りたくて、怖いのにずっと頑張って。

"Where i belong?" they want to know

僕の居場所がどこかなって　ずっと迷うってた

Scared of being gone, all alone crying.

なくしたり怖くて、寂しい泣いてた。

Somehow someday they're losing their hope.

いつまにか　きぼうが見えなくて、わがままになって。

"Help" people yell until the end, while waiting someone realize them.

助けてって　最後まで叫ぼう。　誰かを気づいた待ってながら。

Another Dream : 02022015

Guess what did just i dream??

These two hot guys JS and WB! Can you believe it?? Oh thanks God let them visit me even just a minute. I did not talk with JS but i did talk with WB. We sit together on my guess chair outside. In my dream, because i knew i could be too naif if i didnt know it was just a dream. ~i know where i'm belong~ i told WB 

me : "i know it's just a dream..."

wb : "what are you talking about?"

me : "because i know it was a dream i wanna say something to you..."

wb : "say it ..."

me : "it's just too amazing to meet you here. Seeing your smile. Talking with you next to me. I know in reality i can not do this. I'm not really attracted. I'm not that smart or clever. I'm not that brave, actually i'm just a coward who just can meet you in my dream... bla bla bla ~o my god, i confess every single ugly side of mine~

wb : ... ~smiling~ "you are not what are you thinking..."

Then i was sleeping. I was sleeping in my dream knew that i was dreaming ... What a complicated dream...

But it was just too wonderful to forget right?

And i won't have nice dream every night either so ... just enjoy it.

Oh My Lord... He's smile was look like coming from another dimension.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Healer

Has anyone ever felt sick of life?

I have.

I feel so sick of living a fake life.

No one really see me at school.

No one really ask me at home.

What a lonely day.

no tittle - just a diary

Yesterday i have a little fight with my mom... i didn't mean it. i was just upset. Why we should open the shop even on holiday? Even on Lebaran day?? Couldn't we just have a little rest? I mean it's holiday!!!

It is really a bother when i spare my time in the special day and then a stranger came and say "i wanna buy this i wanna buy that" Oh please. Just leave us alone for a day! What a careless customers. All i want is just a break okay. I wanna live as normal as a family sometime.

It has already been upsetting people coming around every time i eat my lunch and breakfast and even dinner. It is just distressful okay. I'm getting hate everyone come even my own family due to the carelessness of the nice customers. Thank you. You give us money but you ruined my life. For that information i already close the gate so they cant come in but you know what they always insist to come in. What a pleasure!

And why can't my mom listen to me to close the gate to have a break? You know lunch break? She is as hard as the customers who insisted to always open the gate.

I'm so upset.

Okay so i was upset to my mom. But you know she is my mom whatever happen. I couldn't take it more than a day. But i never have courage to apologize either. So here's the idea come. I bought her chocolate and made a little not behind it so she can read it rather than heard it. You know... "i'm sorry".

Because she is my mom of course she forgave me. But i feel bad for her to have such a brat like me you know.

I'm sick. I mean it. Not an decease but as emotionally ill. Often i can't control my emotion and i can't focus. I don't even have a goal in my life, no motivation, no inspiration, no boyfriend, no awards, no love, nothing. I have nothing.

ps. the pic is just an illustration though i wish they sell one here

My Review of Jonathan Stroud : Streaming Staircase

Luckily I just read this novel, Screaming staircase, that is in original translate – English. Even though I’m not pretty good reading novel in English but because this one sounds more interesting – Stroud is one of my favorite authors – I couldn't stand to wait the translation.

Okay, let’s start. By the beginning of part one “Ghost” it was already deathly appear of some ghost Type Two young lady who eventually have murdered and burned inside the wall of her house for around fifty years. Anna Ward that’s her name.

Anna was extremely dangerous type two. She almost killed both Lucy and Lockwood, the agent of Lockwood & Co. Lockwood had his Ghost-Touch and Lucy had completely serious injury that involved her hand. And. They also succeeded burning the house. That’s what made the client really upset and claim sixty thousand pound in return as compensation. That’s also the trigger for the full-of-deathly-way of fixing the problem so that the Lockwood & Co. wouldn’t be shut down.

My trip to Tamrin City

Well, hello...

It's been a long long long since i post here. This time let me share about my first trip to a huge shopping mall at the city of Jakarta. Maybe for people there it's a usual case, but for me it's a special one. It's the first time i saw the light of the high building in the night. Before this i usually saw it in some movies.

And i had to admited that to see those lights with my own eyes was just too amazing. So beautiful and i was so amazed. Besides i rarely shopping with anybody. Maybe once a year to welcoming the Aid Fitri is my only chance to buy some clothes, well shirts and jeans at usual. I don't really like wearing some long dress like a feminim girl. But someday i really want to try to be a feminim girl. Well, if only i could find some true love to date with me. Ha ha. It sounds too difficult,.

And oh, guess what i was using to get there???

A train. Right!

Look! I took some pictures of it. Lol.